


Good Randomness

by CatofApocalypse



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, I Am Sorry, Multi, NSFW, Oral Sex, Other, Perfectly Horrid Velocipedes, Silly, Transformation, careless use of genitalias, genitalia transformation, horribly used modern slangs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22999342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatofApocalypse/pseuds/CatofApocalypse
Summary: A collection of one-shots written for Perfectly Horrid Velocipedes
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 59
Kudos: 67





	1. Prompt: Historical Events

**Author's Note:**

> The other ones I have written for this weekly events are:  
> [My Andouille Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns Hun](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22448935)  
> [Let Me be Yours](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22556242)

Aziraphale looked up from his book to watch Crowley. His curiosity was growing by the minute. Why had the demon asked for permission to raid his bookshop? He wouldn't say what he was looking for, but apparently he had been in the herbology section for a long time now. Crowley had told him he was looking for some information that he couldn't find anywhere, not even in the largest libraries.

"What exactly are you looking for Crowley?" He had asked.

The demon had muttered something that sounded like "You can't know that."

Aziraphale had taken a little offense to that. What if he did know the information? But whatever, if Crowley wanted none of his help then Aziraphale hoped he would have fun looking through hundred of books. As long as he put them back into place that was.

"Have you found it?" Asked the angel. It had been a whole day.

"No, angel. This is ridiculous," replied Crowley in frustration. He looked so done with everything. "I was expecting it to be a well known thing, but no. It had never been documented anywhere. Not even in your rarest books."

"What exactly... is it?"

"I..."

"Maybe I could help?" Smiled Aziraphsle, eye lashes fluttering. Though there was a bit of a smug to his demeanor.

"Well, I... ugh.. you weren't supposed to know this but..." Crowley scratched the back of his head. "I've been looking for this one particular plant... Did you know Spaghetti grows on trees??!"

Aziraphale was taken aback by this. He stared back with his eyes wide. "Spaghetti- what?"

"Yes angel. They grow on trees. Seen it with my own eyes!" Crowley rose to his feet, dramatically pointing to his eyes. Then he relaxed and shrugged. "Well I mean, more like, on the television. But eh..."

"C-Crowley..." Aziraphale stood up. He walked over to feel the demon's forehead. "Spaghettis don't grow on trees. Are you alright?"

It didn't feel like Crowley was having a fever. Did he bump his head?

"Yes they DO angel. They-" 

"No they don't!" Aziraphale shook his head in frusttation. "They are made from milled wheat and water."

"But I... I saw it.. on the news... yesterday!" Whined Crowley. "They were harvested it from the field..."

Aziraphale stepped back. Now he felt lile he was the one having a fever dream. He miracled up a cookbook and flipped though the pages, then presented the pages about making pasta to Crowley.

"W-what? But..." the demon stared at it with disbelief.

"Wait... Crowley, when exactly was this news?"

"Twas... yesterday?"

Aziraphale turned his face to look at the calendar, prompting Crowley to do the same. There, written on the date of yesterday was April 1st, in big bold letters. 

"Pfft..." the angel bit his lips to not burst out laughing. Meanwhile Crowley looked as if he was planning on slamming head first into the piles of books to discorporate himself.

"Well... I know that... I was just messing with you..." muttered the demon, blushing deeply. 

"Sure... " Aziraphale giggled. "Why though that you needed it so badly?"

"Well, I... " Crowley was adorable, the way his hands nervously hiding in his pockets and the way one of his legs was kicking at the carpet. 

"Well i know you liked spaghetti, and the whole cooking thing.. so I was hoping I could grow you some... pasta... fuck... this sounded better in my head..."

"Oooh my dear." The angel pulled his demon down for a kiss on the cheek.


	2. Prompt: Aziraphale vs Modern Slangs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale learned slangs? What could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in one hour, no Beta. But really I don't think anything in this collection gonna have a Beta lol  
> Thank you Rachel for the list of slangs. I personally don't use them that much. Haha

Aziraphale was never one for technology. He saw no point in getting himself a smart-phone or a new computer when he could pretty much just pick up the phone to dial somebody, or read the newspaper to catch up with the world every morning. And even when he wasn't able to read, he still got his radio and the good old Sony KV-29ST1. The latter dusting in the backroom where he hardly ever retreated to without Crowley.

That said, the angel had no idea what forces on Earth made him agree to Crowley's pleading for him to get a cellphone.

"Come on, angel, you can call me anytime, anywhere," said the demon.

"There are public phones for that. I believe this is absolutely not necessary," replied Aziraphale, straightening his clothes. 

Crowley pouted. He pressed his chin on the Aziraphale's shoulder. "Pleasssseee, angel. Just one. Then if you don't like it we can never speak of this again.

"That's wasteful, don't you think?"

"It's not. I'll keep it if you'd like," the demon's cheek gently nuzzled against the angel's neck. "I promise you. It'll be great."

Aziraphale sighed.  ".... Just this one?"

"Just this one."

* * *

This was a mistake. A horrible mistake. 

He never should have introduced Aziraphale to social media, especially the memes!

(Of course this had nothing to do with him wanting to have someone he could share the memes with. Only desperate humans do that. But...who wouldn't want to connect with friends though?)

All he wanted was for the angel to try something new, get with the time. And now the angel was getting too much into the internet on his new smartphone. Aziraphale's newly updated vocabulary was driving him crazy. 

It was adorable at first. Aziraphale had jokingly used the word 'yeet' to describe the action of sending customers out the door. And occasionally Crowley found himself staring dumbfounded after the angel used 'Bruh!' on him.  Things started rolling downhill with no sigh of stopping. And today, today finally did it.

"Aah… Cr...Crowleyyy…" moaned Aziraphale, leaning on his elbows. The angel threw his head back with a loud gasp as Crowley's skilled tongue meddled deep inside him. Crowley curled his flexible organ, finding the sweet G-spot he knew so well.  Aziraphale laid flat. His plump hands reached for his lover's scalp as if holding onto the last hand sanitizer in store. His fingers pulled amd twisted, messing up the demon's dark hair.

"Aahnnn… Oh dear… oh lord… Crowley..!" The angelic mewling was music to his ears. Crowley was only more eager at the sight of Aziraphale's soft belly moving with his every gasp. That was until…

"Yes Crowley! Oooh… this is so dope!"

The demon choked, literally choked on his own tongue when he slurped it back abruptly.

"Angel… the..." he spoke between coughs. "...the fuck?!?"

Aziraphale could only make a surprised whine when the pleasure suddenly stopped. He quickly pushed himself up to check on the poor demon.

"Oh dear. Crowley! What happened? Are you alright? Did you choke on a pu-"

"I'm fine… But what the fuck was that?!"snapped Crowley once he stopped gagging.

"What?" The angel was taken aback. He frowned at the demon.

"What did you just say?"

"I said... What?"

"No! 'DOPE', angel!" Screamed the demon, throwing his hands up.

"What's wrong with it? Doesn't it means 'very good'?" 

Crowley ran a hand through his face. "Yes, angel… but not like THIS? Gosh! Angel, this was a horrible idea."

Now it was Aziraphale's turn to retort. "What do you mean? You told me I should learn to be more... hip!"

"N-not like this angel. UUgh... I can't take it anymore…" Crowley started squeezing the bridge of his nose.

"How am I supposed to know I can't use these words when we smash?" Pouted Aziraphale.

The demon looked like he was legit about to cry. "This is a disaster." 

They stared at each other for a long pause. Aziraphale sighed then.

"Look Crowley. You said I should change to be more modern. I am trying."

"M...maybe this is not what I want anymore…" the demon wobbled his lips. 

Aziraphale pulled him close, placing Crowley's head on his chest.

"I mean…" Crowley continued. "It would be nice if you could… like, understand all the references I make… and we get to be a part of each other's world… but if this is how it's going to be… I'd rather not…I'm sorry."

"There, there, my dear boy…" Aziraphale soothed. He petted the auburn hair as the demon tried not to sob into his angel's soft torso. "Aren't we sharing the same world already?" He smiled.

There was silence and Crowley breathed out.  "You're right… I think I prefer the old ways..." 

Aziraphale giggled. "You know what they say…if it's not broken…"

"Don't fix it. I know… I know…" Crowley pouted again. He lifted himself away from the angel's cuddle to place a kiss at Aziraphale's neck. "I'm sorry angel," he whispered into the tender pinkish skin.

"That's alright, fam."

They decided to binge watch the Golden Girls for the rest of the night.


	3. Prompt: Effort Catastrophies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fill for the prompt: Today’s prompt is effort catastrophies!! Over the years of experimenting with their efforts, things for Crowley and Aziraphale are sure to have gone wrong!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that I brought this into the fandom, but ya'll lovely bastards deserve it.  
> This is actually a very old idea I had but never got the motivation to write it. Thanks OLHTS for this motivation Ahaha

“Come on, Aziraphale. Give it up, you will never be able to defeat me.”

Aziraphale scowled at the demon lying beside him on the grass. Both of their bodies glistened in sweat, chest heaving as they tried to regulate their breaths. The angel and the demon were propping on their elbows, to get a better look at each other as their competition progressed.

“Well, my dear boy, I think you would like to take that back by… the end… of this,” the angel groaned, eyes squeezing shut to concentrate his ethereal energy. It was a tad more difficult with them both intoxicated, but he managed a few more centimetres, he hoped.

“Now we’re talkin’,” Crowley cackled. Then, the demon also did the same, hissing and threw his head back with a moan. “Ahn, fuck! H-hold on. I’m seeing fuckin’ stars.”

Aziraphale’s lips curled. “Are you alright, dear?” his words were far from actual concern. “We could stop if you’d like.”  
  
“And let you ‘thwart’ me? Hell no,” snapped Crowley. “It’s your turn, angel. Show me what you’ve got.”

As Crowley grabbed the bottle of wine to take a large gulp, Aziraphale focused on his task. Oh, boy! The demon wasn’t kidding when he expressed how difficult it was. It made sense though. They had been going at it for a while now, and Aziraphale himself was starting to get a little dizzy.

‘HNNNNNnnnnnNN” he clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, then his elbows slipped. His back hit the ground flat, as he panted. “Oh… Oh dear… Good.. lord.”

Crowley watched the angel put an elegant hand on his own chest, a hint of worry showed in his eyes. “You alright?”

“T-tip-top. Keep going,” the Principality waved his hand.

“If you say so…” said Crowley, uncertain.

* * *

Aziraphale found himself standing in the middle of a vast, white lobby. A very familiar one actually.

“Aziraphale?” He turned around to see none other than Gabriel. The archangel was eyeing him rather suspiciously, a folder in his hand. “Would you like to tell me why you have been discorporated?”

“D-discorporated?” Aziraphale gasped, looking at his ethereal body. “Oh… oh… um..” He had been with Crowley and they were having a little contest to see who could… Oh! So _this_ was what happened...

Gabriel raised a brow.

“I am so terribly sorry, Gabriel. I- don’t quite remember,” he lied, swallowing nervously with an awkward smile. “I must’ve, erm, spaced out of my corporation for a moment.”

“Spaced out?”

“Y-yes. Quite possibly so,” Aziraphale grinned wryly, holding his hands behind his back dutifully. “Well I assure you there is nothing to w-” There was a sudden pull and the last thing he managed to tell his boss was “GOODBYE! IT’S ALL TICKERTIE BOOOOOO”

* * *

“Angel!” Cried the demon. “I am sorry I got us into this. Please come back to me. I am sorry!” He frantically blew air into the motionless lips of Aziraphale, the way humans did to people who almost drowned. “Fine! Angel! You win! I am sorry! Please don’t just-”

Aziraphale gasped, back arching as he regained consciousness.

“Oh! Thank Somebody!” Crowley pulled him into a hug so tight he made a choking sound. 

“C-Crowley? What-what happened?” he brought a hand to his forehead, still light headed from the near-discorporation experience. 

"I don't know, angel. You suddenly screamed and stopped breathing," the demon's lips wobbled. "Are you hurt?"

"No… not anymore, at least…" Aziraphale frowned. He remembered a horrible pain at his groin before blacking out. But there seemed to be no problem with his corporation beside the effect of their miracle 'battle'. He looked at Crowley, whose genital had gone back to its normal length. "Wait, did I win?"

Crowley pouted, letting go of him and sat up. "Seriously angel, this is not the time for that," he muttered despite the pink blush that made him look so darling. "But yeah. I gave up. You won."

Aziraphale chuckled. He pushed himself up and stared in awe at how long his penis had gotten. He could barely see it on the horizon.

"Oh, I hadn't realized we went so far…" he covered his mouth to hide the mischievous giggle. "How long do you suppose it is?"

"I'unno, " the demon shrugged.

"Well we could get a tape measure- perhaps you could be a dear and do it? Seeing I am incapable to?" Aziraphale's eyes fluttered innocently, like a plea.

"Like Hell I'm gonna do that," the demon grimaced. "That's not something I need to burn to the back of my mind. You won, just change back already, ya bastard."

The angel laughed and closed his eyes. His cock started moving, shrinking shorter and shorter.

* * *

"I SWEAR, officer. I did NOT make it up!" the teen argued. Officer Jones didn't care to look at her anymore and kept on writing in his notes.

"It was RIGHT HERE. Lying across the road like some kind of snakes. And there were like, two of them. One slithered away as soon as I hit the first."

"Uh huh, so they aren't snakes?" Jones asked indifferently.

"No. Hell no! They were something like a… a.." the young lady pulled her hair, trying to find a word. "Like a penis!"

"A penis…" the officer lifted his eyes to look at her. "Two penises, were lying on the road, and you ran your bike over one?"

"Yes, sir. Exactly!" The girl nodded repeatedly. "They were right here!"

"So where are they now, Ms. Loquacious?" 

"Fuck if I know! I went to find the police… maybe they slithered off somewhere! You need to find them! Isn't that your job?"

"I'm sorry, miss. But there is no… genitalia monster in our job description," he shrugged, then continued writing."Ms. Loquacious, were you under influences of any substances? Alcohol? Drug?"

"I am NOT!" she screamed hysterically. "I'm not even old enough to drink."

"Well Ms. Loquacious, I-"

A prestige black Bentley whooshed pass them so fast Jones' hat went flying. He quickly ran over to his car and opened the door.

"Shit!" He cursed, then gestured at the teen. "You get outta here. Go home! No more pranks you hear me?" The state policeman shouted and slipped into the driver seat, slamming the door shut to chase after the crazy driver, leaving a very frustrated teenager behind.


	4. Prompt: Accidental Discorporation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley overestimated his corporation's limit, as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the prompt is Accidental Discorporation  
> I went looking for ideas online from a list of unusual deaths and this happened.

“Craaawley…”

Dagon - Lord of the Files, Master of Torments - groaned as she lowered the document she was reading, to face the Serpent of Eden.

“It’s Crowley…” the demon muttered. He was wearing a rather revealing red and black bedlah. He stood with his arms folded in front of his chest.

“Whatever, _Crawly_ ,” Dagon rolled her eyes, “What did _you_ do this time?”

“Is that important? Just gimme a new body already would ya?” Crowley grumbled. Despite looking absolutely irritated, he was actually avoiding eye contact.

If there was anything Dagon was, being an understanding bureaucrat wasn’t one of them.

“Speak, Crawly, I don’t have all day,” she sneered.

“I am sssspeaking…” Crowley hissed.

“Then answer. I’m not giving you a new corporation until you’ve explained yourselves.” the Lord of the Files slammed the paper on her moldy desk. It immediately became soaked in whatever liquid that was on the surface.

“Do you think new corporations just come popping out of nowhere? Did you think I had to pull a new one for Hastur out of my arse? Don’t answer that!” Dagon quickly pointed at the demon, who already had his mouth open, ready to speak with a finger pointing up.

“I don’t see why you _have to know_ why” Crowley threw his arms up. “Isn’t that your job? To issue your fellow demons a body if they ever needed them? Who cares why I was discorporated?!”

Well, if the snake was going to play stubborn, Dagon had no reason to give in. She cleared her throat and sat back down calmly, folding her fingers together on the desk. “I’ve made myself clear. If you don’t want to tell me then get out of the way. I’ve got a line.”

She couldn’t help a wide grin then, when it looked like Crowley was not one bit delighted about that.

“C-come on,” the serpent tried to bargain. “I’ve done a lot of bad deeds, can’t I skip the procedure just for once?”

Dagon turned to the disposable demon by her side. “Send in the next one,” she eyed back at the demon. “And you, beat it.”

Crowley, realizing his chance was slipping away, finally gave up.

"Hold on, hold on." He grabbed the disposable demon and spun him around to stop him from leaving the room. "Fine. I'll say it."

"Good." Dagon smirked. "Now hurry up."

"Well, ngk… um.. you see," Crowley began. "You know, I'm a snake, right? Yeah, so, I suppose you also know there are many types of other snakes on Earth?"

"I am aware…"

"Well, the thing _is_ some of them are venomous and some aren't." Crowley gestured vaguely. "Before any of you ask, yeah I'm one of the formers, so don't you try to mess with me, alright?" He grinned, flipping the long wavy red hair back.

"Get to the point, Crawly." Dagon leaned forward.

"Right. Ngk… Since I am a demon, right? And a snake myself? I have no worries about dying of something so mortal. Being bitten by a snake, that was."

"Makes sense."

"Yeah, it makes perfect sense. I should be fine right? But turns out I… well I suppose I overestimated my corporation a tiny bit."

Dagon raised a brow, indicating that she didn't get it yet.

Crowley shrugged, arms behind him as he muttered without looking at Dagon. "So yeaaah, I might have gotten myself bitten by a 10 metres long cobra and… uh, did some work out...."

"Wearing that?"

"Yyyyeah… hey, don't look at me like that, I don't have to explain my aesthetic to you..."

"..." Dagon stared, and stared; then spoke nonchalantly, "that is by far the stupidest reason you've given me."

\----------

" _Anthony J. Crowley_ , I can't believe you did that to me," Aziraphale shook his head and dropped himself on the armchair. He was wearing a black suit, completely out of his ordinary style of choice.

"I am sorry, angel," Crowley pleaded, hands clasped together wistfully. "Dagon made me stay in Hell until I could get a new corporation. I didn't mean to-"

"Not that, Crowley!" Snapped Aziraphale. "How could you?! I held a proper funeral for you!"

"Oh yeah, about that, I am impressed. Why tho?"

"What was I supposed to do with a body? Miracle it away?"

Crowley pulled his sunglasses lower to show Aziraphale his judgemental stare. The angel looked confused for a moment, then his eyes widened and he blushed. Then the angel shook his head.

"My point is...You discorporated!" He pointed at the demon.

"Ngk, it's not exactly my faul-"

"You refused treatments! You said you would be FINE."

"How am i supposed to know, angel? That I, the serpent of Eden, would die from belly dancing with a snake?" Crowley argued, pointing to himself.

"You could have said something afterward. Like, oh Aziraphale I don't feel so good."

"Fair point…" Crowley muttered, then he shrugged. "But eh, considering what was happening afterward, I have my defense…"

"What?" Aziraphale gumbled.

"You know… when you are riding on an angel's cock it's hard to differentiate between… ugh...eh, um… you know what I mean…"

Crowley sighed. "Come on, angel, at least I am back. I am sorry, alright?"

Aziraphale crossed his arms, still pouting.

"Oh come on, what are you still mad at me for?" Groaned the demon.

"We didn't finish," Aziraphale scowled.

"Oh… oh… " Crowley's surprised expression turned into a grin. With a snap of his fingers, the belly dancing outfit was back on. "Well, let's continue where we left off then?"


End file.
